Good is Dumb
by Jon Gilmour
Summary: Crazy story starting with Sally and Tails getting kidnapped by Robotnik, and Sonic has to rescue them...again.


Jon Gilmour  
  
Good Is Dumb  
  
Rated R: for foul language, crude humor, and other shit.  
  
Let's get the legal shit over with first, eh?  
  
Sonic the Hedgehog and all related characters are copyrighted to Service and Games (Sega of America/Japan), DIC entertainment and Archie Comics. These characters are not to be copied or reproduced in any way. Doing so will put you in violation of Title 17 of the US Code regarding Copyright restrictions.  
  
The Kidnapping  
  
At Robotnik's Fortress...  
  
"Tails did you just shit yourself?" Sally asked. "Jesus, Tails aren't you fucking potty trained?"  
  
"I'm scared Aunt Sally." Tails said as he did it again. Robotnik came into the room.  
  
"Holy shit balls. What the fuck is that smell?" He said as he saw Tails looking at him. "What are you staring at fucker?" Tails went behind Sally.  
  
"Leave him..." Sally was stop in mid sentence by Robotnik.  
  
"Shut up, bitch. Well being as you are in my custody. Sally you will cook and clean, and Tails you will clean and clean some more."  
  
At Robotnik's House...  
  
At dinner, Sally was cooking for everyone. "Bitch, it smells like something's burning in there. Sally!" He went into the kitchen to find Tails cooking. "What is your major malfunction numb-nuts. Get your nasty-ass hands off my food, douchebag. I'll cook." He cooked some spaghetti, but only for himself, and made Sally and Tails watch. "Um. This spaghetti is excellent. But it would be better with a Diet Coke. Diet Coke, AH." Robotnik tantalized.  
  
"Hey Robotnik," Sally said.  
  
"What?"  
  
"What does that piece of spaghetti remind you of...Mr. Johnson perhaps."  
  
"WHAT!!!" Robotnik then punched Sally right in the face.  
  
"Stop!" Sally pleaded. "Please I'll do anything, please."  
  
"Anything?" Robotnik asked with a grin. "Ok." Robotnik unlocked Sally and made her go to the bathroom. "Now, my day has come. Eat shit."  
  
"What?" She asked.  
  
"You heard me. I said eat shit."  
  
"Well when I said anything that's not what I meant. I meant like manual labor, but not eat...eat SHIT."  
  
"Manual labor, eh? No. I said eat shit NOW. HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA."  
  
"Can't it be something more civilized? I mean eating that isn't civilized. PLEASE something else, PLEASE."  
  
"Fine, fine, fine. I'll stop. But you must have my house cleaned to every spot. If one spot is left, more torture."  
  
"Ok, deal."  
  
"I'm going to take a shower. Now if you and Tails start any funny business, more torture." Robotnik said.  
  
"Ok," Sally replied.  
  
"Remember, no funny business." Sally then left quickly to Tails.  
  
They could here Robotnik singing in the shower: "Mock-yeah-ing-yeah-bird-yeah-yeah-yeah. Mocking bird, everybody have you heard. She's gonna buy me a mocking bird. And if that mocking bird don't sing...she's gonna buy me a diamond ring."  
  
"Tails, we should probably get some sleep."  
  
Bad Newsh Bearsh  
  
Sally was in a store but she thought she was at Robotnik's house. She saw Christopher Walken next to a bunch of pants.  
  
"Welcome to my House of Pantaloons." He said.  
  
"House of Pantaloons????" Sally was very confused.  
  
"The House, where you can find every kind of pantaloon that exists." Then Sally woke up in a cold sweat.  
  
Sonic  
  
Sonic was on a search for his 'friends' Sally and Tails. He eventually looked for a hotel for the night. Luckily he reserved a room at The Chamber.  
  
"Yeth. My name ith Lauren, how may I help you?" The clerk asked Sonic.  
  
"Yeah, I reserved a room." Sonic answered.  
  
"Yeth, ok what ith your name?"  
  
"Sonic."  
  
"Thonic."  
  
"What did you just call me?"  
  
"Thonic, ith that not your name?"  
  
"No, my name is Sonic you faggot."  
  
"That ith what I thaid. And don't call me a faggot."  
  
"Yeah whatever. How much."  
  
"Your total will come to 84 dollarth."  
  
"Yeah here you are."  
  
"Thank you." When Sonic was walking to his room he thought he saw Snivley playing the slots, and Robotnik next to him playing. Was that Robotnik? He asked himself Nah. When Sonic got to his room he saw that there was a water bed, and started jumping on it like a 6 year old girl...until of course one burst open.  
  
The Idea  
  
"Tails I've got an idea," Sally said. "I'm going to distract Robotnik and you leave to find Sonic. Ok Tails? Tails?"  
  
"EEEEEHHHHH, O...K..." he replied.  
  
"TAILS! Stop shitting yourself. I'm going to talk to him. Robotnik," she said waving here finger toward her trying to tantalize him.  
  
"What?" he was then hit over the head by Sally with a pan. Tails already left so she started toward the door but it wouldn't open it was locked from the outside.  
  
Check Out  
  
Sonic woke up from his peaceful night sleep and walked downstairs to get his breakfast. The Waitress gave him a menu to look over. When he decided she came back. "I'll have the two egg breakfast. Over-medium. Sourdough toast.  
  
After his breakfast he decided to check out.  
  
"Yeth, are you ready to thtart checking out?" the clerk asked.  
  
"Yes," Sonic replied.  
  
"Yeth, I need to thee the room key. Yeth and your name ith?"  
  
"Sonic,"  
  
"Oh yeth, thonic. Ok. Thince you ate thome breakfatht and thince you broke one of the beadth. Your total cometh to 700 dollarth."  
  
"What? That's outrageous. I'm sure as hell not going to pay that."  
  
"I'm thorry, Thonic. But we need the money to clean the carpet from the water you thpilled on the floor."  
  
"Fine. You fuckin' fag," He mumbled to himself.  
  
"What did you thay?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Yeth thank you, thee you again thoon, at the chamber." As soon as Sonic walked out the door he saw Tails flying his way, and flew into him.  
  
"FUCK, Tails, you just hit my junk dipshit." Sonic yelled.  
  
"Sonic. Sally is in deep chit."  
  
"Chit? What the fuck is chit? It's SHIT."  
  
At Home  
  
Robotnik turned on the TV to fuse. "Ah, sweet, Behind the Music That Sucks."  
  
"Billy Joel...And we all wish dad wasn't queer."  
  
"HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA. He's a funny mother fucker.  
  
"Billy Joel will always be known for sucking ass. William Shatner."  
  
"Incoming. Space. Ship. Raise. Shields. Raise shields...We. Have. A. Tape. Of. That. Incident...God. Damn it. This. Is. The. Most. Un. Official. Group. Of. People. I've. Ever. Worked. With. In. my. Entire. Life." William Shatner was saying.  
  
"Live long and prosper..." Spock then got kicked by William Shatner who said:  
  
"Bust a move."  
  
"Oh, this is some funny shit, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA." Robotnik was laughing so hard his seat tipped over and he fell out. He got back up and turned the tube to MTV. "Oh shit yeah. Beavis and Butt-head."  
  
"Hehehe, kick him in the nadss Beaviss." Butt-head said.  
  
"Oh this is some funny shit." He looked at his watch. "Oh, shit, Sally I have to go see my shrink."  
  
Good Shrinkage  
  
"Yes so have you had any problems as of late?" The shrink asked.  
  
"Well, no." Robotnik said.  
  
"Well I'm still going to give you some medication."  
  
"What?! You're no doctor. You can't give me medication. And another thing, all these diplomas on these walls don't withstand the fact that you have a little Vienna Sausage in your drawers. Is that why they call you a shrink?" Robotnik said furiously and then stormed out.  
  
The Try  
  
"She's in here Sonic," Tails shouted.  
  
"Alrighty then. Let me work my magic," Sonic told him. "Sally," He shouted and she came to the window. "Will you let me come up there and stick my beef in your taco?"  
  
"WHAT?!?!" Sally was confused and frustrated.  
  
"No, that was a little joke. What I meant was would you like to go get some Mexican food?"  
  
"Well, I hungry but I can't get out..."  
  
"Yeah I bet you are hungry. I bet you could stand for a big ass Whopper right now."  
  
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"  
  
"Uh...how about I just get you out of there." Sonic ran to the door and cut it open and got Sally and Tails. Then they went to The Chamber...Again.  
  
"Yeth, oh hello again, Thonic," the clerk said waving.  
  
"Yeah I reserved a room with two beds." Sonic told him.  
  
"What? Sonic you didn't reserve one with a couch or something? I don't want to sleep with Tails." Sally protested.  
  
"You don't have to," he said and made a click noise and winked.  
  
"Oh, you are one sick bastard."  
  
"I'm thorry, do you need thome time by yourthelves?" The clerk asked.  
  
"No I want that room." Sonic told him.  
  
"Yeth ok. Your total cometh to 104 dollarth." Sonic gave him the money and all of them went up stairs.  
  
"Ok Sally. Which side of the bed do you want?" Sonic asked.  
  
"If it's with you I'd rather take the floor." Sally replied.  
  
"Look Sally, I'm just trying to get a rise out of you. That's all. For shits and giggles." Sally laughed at what he said and laid down for sleep.  
  
"Sonic," Tails whined. "What did you mean when you asked Aunt Sally if you could stick your beef in your taco? And when you said she could stand for a big ass Whopper right now?"  
  
"Nevermind Tails. Just get some rest." Sonic replied.  
  
Time to Go  
  
Sally was the first to wake up because she had the Christopher Walken dream again. But she woke everybody else up when she screamed at the sights of a shadow in the window.  
  
"What is it?" Sonic asked getting up. Sally pointed at the window. "Fuck Sally, that's just a fucking tree." Sonic and Tails both started bursting out with laughter, and Sally started crying in the bathroom. "Come on, Sal that shit's funny. You would have laughed your ass off if that was me." She came out and went straight for the door. "Come on, Tails. Check out time."  
  
"No," Sally interrupted. "Breakfast time." They all went down to the buffet, and got all they wanted. Sonic farted at the table. "Sonic. Don't fart in public."  
  
"Hey, if I want to put a trumpet in my ass and run around this restaurant and blow Halleluiah Yankee Doodle, that's my business." Sonic replied.  
  
"Well you could drive with your feet if you want to. That don't make it a good fuckin' idea."  
  
"Whatever." After they ate they went to check out."  
  
"Yeth, nithe meeting you again Thonic. Key pleathe." Sonic gave the clerk the key. "Yeth. Thank you and thee you thoon."  
  
Knothole  
  
At Knothole, Sonic was flipping through channels to find the food channel. Robotnik's My Damn Lunch was on. "Sal come watch this." Sonic said staring at the TV screen.  
  
"Hey, hey, hey, and welcome to the best damn lunch show period," Robotnik said grinning. "Mother fucker! I meant my damn lunch. Today's lunch will conpissed of many things. Like my ass, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA." His laughing was stopped by the booing audience. "Ah, come on you douche bags that was fuckin' hilarious. Anyway it will consist of a sandwich of my choosing, home made potato chips, and Robotnik's Special Brownies. But first," impersonating the terminator. "I'll be back. HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA,HA, HA, HA."  
  
"Well, what the fuck is he doing on TV?" Sally asked.  
  
"Don't know but make sure Tails doesn't come in here. It's rated TV not watchable for foul language, crude humor, and other shit." Sonic replied.  
  
"Hey, we're back with sum more of my damn lunch." Robotnik said. "Now to make the sandwich you HAVE to have bread. Now I don't know about you but where I get my bread is Safeway. Then you can have some lunch meats like ham, turkey, roast b-b-beef, or pork. We'll use all of 'um. But first you take some mayo-naise, mustard, and, ah the power of cheese. There ya have it. The shittiest sand...best sandwich ever. Now po-ta-to chips. But you're gonna have to wait now aren't you. HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA."  
  
"Hey, back again. We're now makin' some tater chips. First shove you head in you ass you don't get to see it...sorry folks I'm a bit hostile tonight. First you slice you potatoes to look like chips. If you couldn't figure that one out you are the dumbest assholes on the planet. HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA. O.K. then you salt them up like shit in a toilet. HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA. Then turn the oven to tree-fitee and bake for about 10 minutes. Ah you'll be in hell...heaven soon. We'll be baked with more lunch after this.  
  
"Hey, now folks I have something to ask you. Why did Michael Jackson go to Carl's Jr.? Because he thought Carl was a junior. HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA. Anyway, now that you saw ten dull-ass minutes of commercials my chips are dumb...done. So on to the Special Brownies. First some chocolate, and other shit. As soon as the mix is complete. Put it in a deep pan or what ever you call those pieces of shit now-a-days. You then put the "special" stuff on it." While sprinkling "DAMN. Oooh scared some of you little bastards out there didn't I. Oh good. Then you cook them at the same temperature and cook for 15 minutes. See you next time, same damn time, same damn lunch."  
  
"Oh, man. That was a good show." Sonic said.  
  
In the End  
  
Maybe  
  
At Knothole Sonic was watching Bad Boys. "Sonic what are you watching?" Sally asked.  
  
"Hold on the best part is coming." Sonic commanded.  
  
"Oh yeah? Well I'm a stand up comedian, and I suck! That's why I need your car," the thief was saying.  
  
"I just drive around with stupid-ass friends, who drive stupid-ass cars that attract a lot of mother fuckin' attention."  
  
"Watch this Sal this is when that guy that spilled a fry kicks this guy's ass," Sonic told her.  
  
"Now let's here one of those jokes, bitch."  
  
"Oh, that was fucking hilarious. HA, HA, HA, HA, HA." Sonic got up to get more popcorn, but as he did Sally turned the movie off. "What the fuck are you doing? I was watching that. Turn it back on." Sally walked off with the remote. "Sal that's not fuckin' funny. Come on I was watching that. Oh I see. You want me to release all the rage is that it?"  
  
Author's Note  
  
After this story, I hope you were offended but not offended enough so you won't look for these stories:  
  
That Can't Be Good &  
  
Robotnik's My Damn Lunch Season 1 


End file.
